Our daughter, Becca, will soon begin her 7th grade year. It’s so hard to believe how quickly the past 12 years have gone by. My mind goes back 13 years to the summer of 2000 when we first learned that Lori was expecting. It was a hard time. We lived in Indiana and had been pastoring the church there for about 9 years but things were not going well. Things were pretty much coming to a head at the church. Yet Lori had a great job she loved and we loved our church family and we thought we were done having kids and had settled in a nice routine with our two young sons.
But one day around May she told me that she thought she was pregnant. I have to say that I was not happy about the prospect. God forgive me but I just didn’t want to go through that all again especially with things uncertain at church. I walked around in a daze for a couple of days. I remember one late night in particular I had to go to Kmart to get something. I found myself in the baby stuff aisle looking at the diapers and formula and car seats and strollers and a bunch of new stuff they had invented since our last round of babies. I was miserable. Then a reprieve as the next day she told me that it had been a false alarm and she wasn’t with child. I was pretty relieved. I’m not saying my attitude was right. It’s just how it was.
Well, then the next day she told me the false alarm had been a false alarm. She was pretty sure she was pregnant. I know it’s a woman’s prerogative to change her mind, but this was ridiculous. I recall telling God “I know this is supposed to be a blessing and I know I’m supposed to worship you, but I’m just not there.” About this time Lori and I had plans to attend a concert by Scott Krypanne at a local church with some friends of ours, Tim and Leigh Hansen. But Lori couldn’t go because that weekend her aunt and uncle were brutally murdered at night in their suburban Indianapolis home. A crazy thing you hear about but never think will happen in your own family. So Lori went to be with her family in Indianapolis. I told our friends that I just didn’t want to go to the concert. The murders, the unexpected baby, the church–it was just too much and I really didn’t feel like going to a Christian concert without Lori and listening to someone sing about God.
I wasn’t angry at God I just didn’t feel like it. Well, they insisted and pretty much kidnapped me. If you have ever seen Scott Krypanne, his concerts are more worship service than concert. And about half way through God just broke me down and laid me bare and convicted me of my shallowness and my lack of faith in Him. And a sense of worship came over me. I will have to say it was one of the most profound senses of God’s presence and awesomeness and sovereignty I have ever had. My brokenness was the door through which God was able to get into a deeper place in my heart.
About halfway through the concert I looked over across the aisle and this guy, probably a few years younger than I, was holding on his lap a little girl with blonde hair and blue eyes and who looked to be about three. I remember thinking and daring to pray “Lord, if we are going to have another child, please let it be a girl.” I love my boys and wouldn’t trade that for anything, but how perfect would it be during this difficult time that God would give us a little girl. That perhaps He wasn’t going to give us what we thought we wanted, but he would give us what we needed. I now believe as I looked at that man and his little blue eyed, blond haired girl and dared to pray my selfish prayer God just smiled.
Rewind this to a few years before all this took place. Lori and I are sitting in a parking lot having a heart wrenching discussion about the future of our family: Me wanting to be done with kids and desiring to make it official and final (if you get my drift), Her in tears not wanting to give up the dream of one day having a girl. Lori won obviously and I’m so, so glad.
Fast Forward back to the time in question. We (or, rather, I–Lori never had a problem with it) adjusted to the idea of having a baby and I tried to not be too sinful in my pleas to God for a little girl. I know that this may be hard to believe, but I do have a pretty strong pessimistic streak in me. I just thought it would be too perfect for this to be a girl. So I insisted on knowing the gender of this little serendipitous blessing. Two times we had ultrasounds to determine the sex. Both times the doctor would not even venture a guess. The little one just wouldn’t give us a good view. Looking back, that should have been my first clue that it was a girl. The story is now well told to anyone who allowed me to tell it of how early on a Sunday morning I’m getting ready for church and Lori calls to me that her water broke. This was a good three weeks before the due date. And so we fly off to the hospital where a few hours later we meet our daughter. I simply could not believe it was a girl. And, in many ways, still can’t. The words of Jeremiah immediately came to my mind as it dawned on me that God gave us the desire of our hearts: “I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future.” And though I like to hassle her because that’s my job as her dad, Becca has been nothing but a blessing, a delight, and a constant reminder of God’s perfect timing.
I have to say also, that my main worries were alleviated after the concert when I went to get something to eat with our friends. We were in such a position that Lori had to continue to work after the baby was born. So we had to find a good child care situation and I fretted a lot about this. Leigh had done babysitting for our boys when they were younger, and somehow we got on the subject of babies while we were eating. Tim and Leigh had three kids. Their two older were girls each roughly the same age as our boys. And then they had just had a third child, a little boy. And they were sure that IF Lori and I were to try again we would have a girl. So I kind of baited them a little bit with the child care quandary IF Lori were to get pregnant. And Tim, being a man, volunteered Leigh to babysit the baby in their home. And she said she would. So I cautiously explored this with Leigh and even, jokingly, got it in writing that IF we were to have another child she would be our childcare provider. Finally, I couldn’t take it any longer and I told them the secret. They were the first to know, even before our families. But I was so relieved that Leigh would watch the baby. Before the concert I was a bundle of doom, gloom, stress, and anxiety. But by the end of the evening I was praising God, had received a glimpse of hope that perhaps God was up to something in the form of a little blue eyed blond haired girl, and had the biggest burden relieved with the promise of an awesome child care provider. And for the first year of Becca’s life, until we moved to MI, Leigh (and daughters, Aubrey and Mandie) gave Becca the best care.
At that Scott Krippayne concert he sang a song that I had never heard before, but it just spoke to my heart at that difficult time and really helped turn the tide of my heart. And it pretty much sums up that entire period in our life. It’s a song called “You Have Been Good.”
If I never get to see another rainbow; or share another laugh with a friend. If I never stand barefoot by the ocean or get to kiss my child goodnight again. If I never have another prayer that’s answered; or have another blessing come my way. If this is all I know of heaven’s kindness, Father I would still have to say. You have been good. You have been good. And I am in wonder how could it be. You have been good, You’ve been so good. In so many ways you’ve been good to me. You have shown me mercy upon mercy; grace upon grace time after time. and I don’t deserve it, but you have been so patient and kind. If suddenly it all were ended. And your blessings disappear. Looking back over a lifetime the evidence is clear.
You have been good. You have been good. And I am in wonder how could it be. You have been good, You’ve been so good. In so many ways you’ve been good to me.
Chris Higgins 